She would exclaim in disgust at even the mildest display on TV, such as two women kissing. She also had an exaggerated gag reflex, one so bad that she couldn’t even go snorkelling with me. The obvious result of the gag reflex was that I never got treated to a blowjob. The one time that she actually agreed to give me one, early in our marriage, she got physically ill when I came in her mouth. As you can imagine, this was a situation that I had always dreamed of rectifying. The opportunity arose in a truly unexpected way. Shelley, my wife, had been experiencing extremely bad period pains, and this particular Friday, she told me in the car going home, about her friend Sara’s solution to her similar pain problem. I was happy enough to hear this as I had suffered along with her every month during the three odd days that she was really hell to live with. As it turned out, she had arranged for Sara to visit us on the Saturday morning, and she had promised to share her discovery. I woke up. I poked my musket through the broken window and shot the grinning spectator cleanly through the head. He was only twelve feet away, and I could not miss. The ball took him right off his feet. The third man scrambled from the floor and ran for the front of the house.As I smashed in the back door and went to Magda's side, throwing the bleeding body off of her, I heard the rifle crack. I helped her sit up and ran for the door, forgetting I had not reloaded my musket and no longer had a bayonet. I didn't need to worry. With a stain spreading on his back, the fourth Britisher was spread-eagled in the dirt by the wagon where the two teamsters stood, mouths agape. I pointed my empty gun at them and told them to get down. "Come on in, Shoemaker," I called, and the old man shuffled out of the woods with my long rifle raised in one shaking hand.I silently tied the two men to the back wheels of their wagon, kneed each of them in the groin as hard as I could and went to see to Magda. Her.
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